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[personal profile] daylyn
Title: Addiction
Author: Daylyn
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13 (FRT) for mentions of drug use and one swear word
Pairing: Hotch/Reid pre-slash
Disclaimer: All characters belong to their copyright holders. No profit is intended.

Summary: Reid watches Hotch struggle

Author’s Note: I have recently become obsessed with the show “Criminal Minds”. Maybe it comes from my love of Sherlock Holmes, and the team of FBI profilers on the show reminds me of a whole group of Holmes’ running around and trying to save the world. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but it definitely made me fall in love with the series. This is my first foray into the world of CM fanfic. Enjoy.

By Daylyn

Spencer Reid knows that addiction comes in many forms.

His own personal demon, dilaudid, has rendered him, at various times, shaking with want and need and fear and obsession. It has left him terrified of narcotics, terrified of that sweet release and oblivion.

Terrified because he craved it so badly.

Perhaps it is his eidetic memory. Perhaps it is ingrained physical sensory perceptions. But Reid knows that he will never forget the feeling of the fast-moving, cold vibrations as the drug made its way though his body within mere seconds of injection, the frigid buzz that brought relief from pain, and fear, and horror. Mostly he will never forget how diluadid allowed Spencer Reid to escape from the mind of Spencer Reid, if only for a little while.

Reid also knows that he will always hunger for that feeling. That is why he rejects narcotics, all narcotics, fights against them in fact. He would not allow a morphine injection when he was dying from anthrax. He would not allow any narcotics even when he was fucking shot in the knee.

He glances down at his brace, the reminder of the bullet that went through his leg. It hurt. Crazy hurt. And even then he was too afraid of the addiction to allow himself the relief from the pain. He fought too hard to beat the addiction. He would not succumb again.

But addiction takes many forms. And he’s not the only one on the team to suffer from it.

Reid shoots a quick look across the plane at his boss, Aaron Hotchner, and then quickly down again at the floor. Hotch has his head buried in a file. Foyet’s file, Reid is certain. Hotch is losing himself into his own addiction – the addiction of guilt and despair.

Reid knows that Hotch blames himself for what happened. He blames himself for not being strong enough to stop Foyet. For being stabbed nine times. For being weak. For being human. Reid knows that Hotch blames himself for being the victim. Reid knows, because he blamed himself for the same things after his torture at the hands of Tobias Hankel, or whichever personality of Hankel’s was inflicting the pain.

It’s worse for Hotch in some ways, Reid thinks, because Foyet is still alive, still out there, still wreaking terror in Hotch’s life. At least when Reid limped out of that cemetery, Hankel lay dead and the immediate nightmare was over. But for Hotch, Reid thinks, the nightmare has only just begun. The attack was only the first part. It is the psychological torture of knowing that he cannot protect his son and ex-wife continues to torment Hotch. There can be no healing, no peace, until they are safe. And Hotch, who attempts (and mostly succeeds, if the truth is known) to control everything, cannot control what happens now.

Hotch is addicted to the pain of his guilt, Reid thinks. Hotch is addicted to his suffering because he cannot allow himself to find comfort while those he loves (even his ex-wife) suffer because of Hotch’s perceived weakness. Hotch feels he must suffer until he has ended the suffering of his family.

Hotch also feels, Reid knows, that he has lost the respect of those around him. Reid can tell by the way that Hotch reacts, expecting the team to challenge him. Reid wants to laugh, shake the man, cry out in denial, because he knows that he feels such strong admiration and pride for Hotch. He always has. He always will.

The fact that those feelings of admiration and pride have transmuted to something deeper, something more primal, Reid refuses to acknowledge. Reid is used to have his heart broken. At least having it broken by Hotch would be for a good cause.

Hotch feels he is alone. Reid knows this, because he felt he was alone. And Hotch will never turn to anyone for help even though, Reid thinks, Hotch desperately needs it.

Reid risks another quick glance at his boss.

He wonders if he’s strong enough, brave enough, to offer his help to Hotch uncalled for, unasked for. Reid wonders if he could survive Hotch’s rejection. He also wonders if he can stand by and watch helplessly as Hotch succumbs deeper and deeper to his despair.

Reid watches Hotch read Foyet’s file and wonders what he should do.

Addiction has many forms, Reid thinks again. He doesn’t know if he is powerful enough to fight the one he feels toward Hotch. He doesn’t know if he wants to.

Reid closes his eyes, letting the hum of the plane ease his tension. He knows that he has already decided to approach Hotch. He has to—for both their sakes. Now he just needs to decide when.

Date: 2009-11-11 02:06 pm (UTC)
ext_21468: (hotchreidbw)
From: [identity profile]
oooooooooooooooooooooooo I like. Very nice look into their situations. Will there be more?

Date: 2009-11-12 03:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you. This was fun to do and Hotch and Reid are such interesting characters. Yeah, I'm pretty sure there will be more.

Date: 2009-11-11 02:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Very, very nice. I'm looking forward to more! thank you.

Date: 2009-11-12 03:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you! And I'm working on the next bit. I guess I found a new fandom.

Date: 2009-11-11 04:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
So, more?

Date: 2009-11-12 03:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Working on it. Thank you.

Oh, btw, I utterly love your Hotch/Reid story that ends with them in Vegas. Love it.

Date: 2009-11-11 08:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Interesting angle. I like the hopeful thinking feeling at the end. There are never enough good Hotch/Reid fics if you ask me. Glad to have you join the band wagon. <333

Date: 2009-11-12 03:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you so much. I really like these characters and they have an interesting dynamic. More is planned.

Date: 2009-11-11 11:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
wow, good start I really hope you are going to develop this one, there is hardly any decent Hotch/Reid out there would love to see this continue..............:))

Date: 2009-11-12 03:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you! I actually am working on the next bit. I think I've fallen in love with Hotch/Reid.

Date: 2009-11-13 02:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That news has made my day.......:))

Date: 2009-11-12 01:38 am (UTC)
innerslytherin: (Default)
From: [personal profile] innerslytherin
Yay! And welcome to the CM fandom! It's always nice when I see names I recognize from HP dipping their toes in here. :)

I love the way Spencer analyzes the concept of addiction and how he views the different addictions in this fic. I hope you're planning to continue? :)

Date: 2009-11-12 03:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you! Yeah, I have found a new, shiny, and utterly intriguing fandom. Oh, and it's all your fault I'm writing in it... er... I mean you're the inspiration. I read your wonderful stories and thought that these characters are too good not to explore. I'm definitely planning to continue this (I actually started that story first, but had a sudden inspiration for this bit of stream of consciousness from Reid's POV).

Date: 2009-11-12 07:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This was very well written, I love the way that Reid views the various degrees of addiction. :)

Date: 2009-11-12 05:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you so much. Glad you liked it.

Date: 2009-11-13 04:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You're more than welcome, I try to give good feedback wherever I can. :)

Date: 2009-11-12 11:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Ah rats. I really liked it up to the obligatory "Haley's a bitch". I don't know what it is with this fandom, somehow hating Haley seems to be a sign of admiration or loyalty to Hotch.

And Reid holding such opinions? In four seasons I've never seen him judgemental towards anyone. If I remember correctly he was defending Hankel because it was the father part of his split personality that did the torturing and kiling. And then such a thought towards a woman who at that time has to hide away in fear of her own life and that of her little son? From friggin' Reid? Suspension of disbelieve ran out on that one.

Date: 2009-11-12 05:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You know what? That's actually a very fair criticism. I think I had just read a lot of fanfic and did, indeed, fall into the "Haley is a bitch" trap. You're right that Reid is not judgmental that way. Even if this is a stream of consciousness insight, I think that you're correct in that Reid would not hold that sort of belief. I added the line on a sudden whim, and I am going to edit it out because I agree with your assessment. Thank you for the insight.

Date: 2009-11-13 04:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
While, I don't think that Reid would think of her in that manner, I can definitely understand some of the fandom's frustration with the character. I wasn't necessarily opposed to her in the beginning, actually I sort of felt sorry for her. But, by mid-S2 her actions became entirely too much for me to handle and from then on out, I just didn't care too much for her for the way that she treated Hotch. I could understand if he was cheating on her or something, but he was working and she demanded that he give up a part of him that makes him who he is and a part of him that's good and right and just in this world, something that he's good at all the while not ever fully supporting him. So, yeah...I can sort of see the other side.

Date: 2010-08-13 07:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Understanding addiction and how it impacts everything - beautifully done.

I haven't seen all of the episodes, so I'm not sure about this part - did Haley have one or more affairs in canon or is that just fanon?

Date: 2010-08-13 08:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you so much.

Haley's "affair" is implied in canon. During the episode where she leaves Hotch (can't think of the name right now and too lazy/busy at work to look), they're fighting and the phone rings. Hotch picks it up and the caller hangs up immediately. Then Haley's cell phone rings right away. Haley and Hotch exchange a "significant" look and Haley leaves the room, carrying the cell phone with her. There's a heavy implication that she was having an affair.

Glad you liked the fic.
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